Kodiak
Bear 3
(Scene
starts in an open field. It’s very sunny, and there’s a family
(dad, mom, two kids) laughing and frolicking. They look like the
happiest motherfuckers in the world. As they dance and shit, clouds
start to come in to the sky. Tense music starts. Giant robots start
coming on to the field, and they don’t look like they're here to
fuck around. They start blasting lasers at the family, eviscerating
them (Blood and gore everywhere – one kid should just straight up
explode). As lasers continue to fly, dust starts to kick up from
somewhere. As the dust settles, the field is now soaked in blood, the
sky is black, and there are thousands of robots. From the back, a
larger robot decked out with extra gizmos comes to the front.)
Robot
Leader (in a very cold monotone voice): Global
destruction…..commenced.
(The
robots start to march forward in unison, with heavy tense music
playing. Like Inception music. Like shits-about-to-get-real music.)
TITLE
SCREEN
(Scene
starts panning over the yard of a huge mansion, with the words
“Meanwhile…” on the screen. The writing fades away and the
camera focuses on one of the balconies of the mansion, where Chris,
Edgell, and the Kodiak Bear are sitting, drinking coffee and reading
the newspaper.)
Chris: It
sure has been an amazing six years since we defeated Robo-Hitler
Edgell: I
know! We stopped the spread of communism in Australia, recorded a
number #1 Christmas album, and rebuilt the Berlin Wall!
Kodiak
Bear: (Various Bear noises)
Edgell:
(Laughing) Shit Kodiak Bear, I completely forgot about that trip to
Neptune!
Chris: In
fairness, we were all blackout drunk off space beers the entire time.
(Butler
rushes in)
Butler:
I'm sorry sirs but Lt. Kickass is on the phone. He's calling you
(looks at the camera) back in action.
Edgell:
But I was gonna fuck all bad bitches today!
Chris: The
bitches will have to wait. When duty comes calling, we have to answer
it.
Butler: He
he duty
(Flash
forward to army base. Lt. Kickass, Chris, Edgell and Kodiak Bear are
sitting around a table, being briefed on the issue at hand)
Lt.
Kickass: So it seems an army of previously unknown killer robots have
started to take over the planet, one picturesque valley at a time.
Pretty soon they're gonna start targeting major cities, and we simply
don't have that in the budget. We need you to stop them.
Chris: How
do you expect us to defeat an entire army of killer robots? Like, I'm
pretty awesome, but...
Lt.
Kickass: But nothing! You three are the best we got. I know it's been
a while since you were last in active duty, so we're prepared to help
you get ready.
Edgell:
Like, are we going to be given some forces to command, or cool
weapons, or....
Lt.
Kickass: I would give you access to those, but I lost all of our war
assets in a poker game in Vegas last weekend. I WAS TWO HANDS AWAY
FROM A HOT STREAK BACK OFF ALREADY.
(Chris,
Edgell, and the Kodiak Bear all roll their eyes, and walk away
instead of trying to help Lt. Kickass with his obviously debilitating
gambling addiction. And these guys are supposed to be the heroes.
YEAH THATS RIGHT THIS MOVIE IS GONNA MAKE YOU THINK. Cut to a dolphin
show at Seaworld)
Dolphin
Trainer Debbie: And now Skippy will show off his patented back flip!
(A dolphin
does a sweet back flip, and a crowd of about 60 people, ranging in
age and creed, applaud. The mood is very positive, and everyone is
having fun. Skippy is putting on a hell of a show.)
Dolphin
Trainer Glen: Wow! Great job Skippy! And now Bubbles will do her high
jump!
(Bubbles
does her high jump, and the crowd applauds. Without command, Skippy
goes up and also does a high jump, going just a bit higher, causing
the crowd to applaud louder. It was a little dickish of Skippy, but
hes just a star like that. Bubbles is a little jelly but she gets
just as much chum so its like whatever.)
Dolphin
Trainer Debbie: Oh Skippy you are such a rascal!
(The crowd
laughs. All of a sudden, the evil robots from before bust into the
dolphin show, blasting lasers everywhere and randomly spewing smoke.
The crowd panics. The robots use mind control powers on the dolphins.
The dolphins gain the ability to fly and start attacking everyone.
Skippy sets his sights on Dolphin Trainer Glen.)
Dolphin
Trainer Glen: Skippy, NOOOOOO!
(Skippy
flies straight through Glen, bursting through his torso, bone and
blood flying everywhere. Skippy and Bubbles proceed to attack and
tear apart men, women and children. Others are vaporized by lasers.
There is smoke everywhere. After all the people have died, Skippy and
Bubbles both burst into flame and explode. The Robot Leader emerges
from the background.)
Robot
Leader: Phase 2 – Protocol 8 completed. Move onward to next target.
(The
robots fly away. Final shot of blood and destruction over the dolphin
show area. Fade out to army training grounds, where Chris, Edgell and
Kodiak Bear meet with their new trainer, trainer Kenny.)
Trainer
Kenny: Hey guys I'm trainer Kenny! I'm super stoked to get to work
with you guys you're like my hero and …...
(All of a sudden, the killer robots bust on to the training grounds)
Edgell: HOLY MOTHER OF FUCK
(A robot shoots a laser at Trainer Kenny, vaporizing him instantly)
Chris: WHAT THE FUCK??? SCATTTER!
(Edgell, Chris, and Kodiak Bear all run back towards the army
headquarters. When they get towards the main gates, they are met with
a bunch of army dudes and Lt. Kickass, preparing for battle)
Edgell: What the fuck are those? Are those the robots you were
telling us about?
Lt. Kickass: Right you are, Edgell. Those are the evil robots who
have come to enslave and murder you.
Kodiak Bear: (bear noises)
Lt. Kickass: I didn't tell you about the lasers? Really? OK, that
one's on me
(The robots have caught up. Battle begins between the army guys and
the robots. Edgell, Chris and Kodiak Bear each pick up some big ass
guns and start shooting at robots. Both army guys and robots are
dying, but it's clear that the army guys are losing)
Lt. Kickass: C'mon boys lets fuck these robots right in there shiny
metal assholes!
(Immediately following his line, a robot points a death ray at Lt.
Kickass, causing him to melt into a pool of goo. The rest of the
soldiers start freaking out and trying to flee. Most of them are
gunned down by robots)
Chris: HOLY FUCK WE NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE LIKE YESTERDAY
(Edgell, Chris, and Kodiak Bear all look each other in the eyes. The
knowing looks in their eyes show that if they all try to escape, they
will be shot just like the rest of the soldiers. Someone has to stay
behind)
Kodiak Bear: (bear noises, looks defiantly towards robots)
Edgell: No Kodiak Bear we need you!
Kodiak Bear (bear noises, with subtitles that say “Relax my good
friend. There is no finer death then the one found in the heart of
battle. Now go, or else all is lost”)
(Chris and Edgell look at each other, knowing Kodiak Bear's words are
true. Kodiak Bear goes back to shooting at the robots. Chris and
Edgell both run away, but not before looking back one last time. The
robots have circled Kodiak Bear. Kodiak Bear drops the gun and starts
mauling the robots, ripping the heads off of two robots before the
rest of restrain him. The last thing Chris and Edgell is Kodiak Bear
being torn apart, limb by limb, by the robots. Chris and Edgell
manage to get away from the carnage. Fade to next scene, at Edgell
and Chris' secret forest hangout/battle station.)
Chris: I... I... can't believe hes gone
Edgell: I know. I miss how his shaggy brown hair felt when you run
your fingers through it, how he would drool whenever he made a fresh
kill, and how he would make hilariously racist remarks when you got
him drunk
Chris: He truly was a bear among men
(Flashbacks
of Edgell, Chris and Kodiak Bear getting into all sorts of
shenanigans plays, highlighted by scenes of Kodiak Bear catching a
Superbowl-winning touchdown pass, the three of them winning a team
pie-eating contest, and Edgell and Chris riding Kodiak Bear like a
horse drunk down the streets of Paris, ending with Kodiak Bear
mauling a french mime and Edgell and Chris laughing. That sad Sarah
McLaughlin song they play in commercials for adopting dogs plays in
the background. Fade back to the forest hangout, to see Chris and
Edgell crying and singing the Sarah McLaughlin song.)
Edgell:
(wipes away tears) No! This isn't what he would want! There was one
thing Kodiak Bear loved above all else, and that was...
Chris:
Sweet sweet vengeance!
Edgell:
So get your shit together, cause there’s some robots out there that
need to check themselves cause they about to get wrecked!
(Chris
nods in agreement. The two walk towards a cabinet in the back of the
cabin, and open it to reveal a bunch of bad ass looking guns. Quick
flashing scenes of the two of them suiting up show them getting
reading to kick some ass. Once they are all suited up, the scene
flashes to a meadow – the same one where Chris and Edgell
originally fought the Kodiak Bear many moons ago. The robots are
marching towards their next target, when Edgell and Chris meet them.)
Edgell:
SUPRISE COCKFACE!
(Edgell
and Chris start attacking the robots, and catch them off guard. They
are able to quickly kill a bunch, but then reinforcements come. A
continued battle scene develops with Edgell and Chris doing crazy
acrobatic dodges and killing tons of robots. The sheer number of
robots is too much though, and they begin to corner our heroes. As
they corner them, the head robot comes to the front. Edgell and Chris
are completely surrounded, and almost out of ammo by the time he gets
there. The robots manage to take the weapons away from Edgell and
Chris. Things are not looking good.)
Robot
Leader: Surrender is futile. Prepare for death sequence #5729
(The
Robot Leader begins to charge up this super massive weapon. Edgell
and Chris look at each other and say “Oh shit!” quietly to each
other. As the robot leader charges his super weapon, clouds begin to
form in the sky. Out of nowhere, a booming roar breaks the uneasy
silence. Edgell and Chris look towards the sky, as the clouds start
to form in to the face of a familiar friend – Kodiak Bear!)
Cloud
Kodiak Bear: (bear noises)
Chris:
But it can't be...
Edgell:
Kodiak Bear you magnificent bastard!
(The
robots start to fire at cloud Kodiak bear, but its ineffective
because hes a cloud and the bullets and lasers just go through him.
Cloud Kodiak Bear releases another mighty roar, and rumblings start
to come from a nearby forest. Hundreds of bears start to flood out of
the forest, mauling the robots and overwhelming them. Chris and
Edgell use this distraction to get their weapons back.)
Robot
Leader: Hold formation. Quell unknown bear squadron.
(The
Robot Leader fires his super weapon at the bear hordes. Several bears
are vaporized but there seems to be a never ending stream of bears
coming from the forest. Cloud Kodiak Bear continue to roar in the
sky)
Edgell:
Now's our chance. You thinking what I'm thinking?
Chris:
Always. Yo robot dude, check this out.
(Edgell
and Chris high-five, and sparks fly out of their hands. There is a
bright burst of light, and when it fades out Chris and Edgell have
gotten super cool new armor and guns and stuff. They both look like
Robocop.)
Chris
and Edgell: (in unison) Secret
Awesome Power Attack, GO!
(Chris
and Edgell both fire their weapons at the same time. Their guns both
shoot giant missiles, that mid-flight combine with each other to form an
even sweeter missile, that flies directly towards the robot leaders
head.)
Robot
Leader: ERROR ERROR DOES NOT COMPU...
(The
missile hits the leader in the head, causing a massive explosion. The
rest of the robot leaders body falls to the ground, and with their
leader dead, the rest of the robots are easy picking for the bear
horde.)
Edgell:
We did it! We saved the world again!
Chris:
(looks towards the clouds) And we would never have been able to do it
without you Kodiak Bear.
(Cloud
Kodiak Bear roars again, and the bear hordes proceed back into the
forest. He looks down at Edgell and Chris and smiles. He lets out one
more roar, and then the clouds disperse. Chris and Edgell continue to
look up smiling, and then look back down at the surrounding meadow,
which is littered in broken robots and dead bears. It smells like
ass.)
Chris:
Shit, well I'm not cleaning this up.
Edgell:
Same here. Titty bar?
Chris:
(Looking towards the sky) I don't think he'd have it any other way.
(Chris
and Edgell walk off towards the sunset. The camera starts to rise,
going up through the sky until it reaches heaven. Kodiak Bear, Lt.
Kickass, and Danger Boy are all shown with angel wings.)
Angel
Danger Boy: I still think you're a dick Kodiak Bear.
(Angel
Kodiak Bear punches Angel Danger Boy in the face, and Lt. Kickass
laughs.)
Angel
Lt. Kickass: Oh Kodiak Bear, you crack me up.
THE
END
