Kodiak Bear
Characters
Danger Boy
Chris
Edgell
Kodiak bear
Doug
Fred
Barkeep
Script
(Movie starts with Danger Boy and two friends walking near forest)
Danger Boy: Man that sure was a great trip to the ol’ sugar mill
Friend 1(Doug): Totally Danger Boy, who thought that learning about the magic of candy could be so much fun?
Friend 2(Fred): It truly was one of the greatest adventures the world has ever seen. Ever.
Danger Boy: Agreed. Wanna cut through this forest?
Fred: Golly, I don’t know Danger Boy, I heard there’s a Kodiak bear roaming the forest, killing and violating all those that cross him.
Danger Boy: Oh Freddy, I’m not afraid of any Klondike bar
(Characters enter forest, switch to camera from a distance, behind them, inside forest. Flashing light on screen says BEAR VISION.)
Danger Boy: So I said “Officer, that’s not a pineapple, that’s my wife!”
(Laughter by all, milk comes out of Doug’s nose from laughing so much)
Doug: Oh Danger Boy, you’re just about the funniest guy this side of the Mississippi!
(Camera starts to creep up behind them, playing ominous music. Fred turns around to see that the bear (camera) is behind them)
Fred: Holy shit! It’s a fucking bear!
Danger Boy: SCATTER!
(The three people try to run away. Camera runs towards them, still saying BEAR VISION, as they scream and die. Danger Boy manages to escape. Camera heads off in other direction, to show the Kodiak bear leaving. Camera fades out, and then fades back, without BEAR VISION, to see the wreckage that the bear had caused. Danger Boy runs out from his hiding spot to his friend’s bodies)
Danger Boy: (Runs over to Fred’s body) Freddie! Freddie! What have they done to your beautiful body! (Runs over to Doug’s body).Doug! My sparkling star! My kindred spirit! (Pause) NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!(Yells at the heavens, and then falls down in tears. Fade out to opening credits)
OPENING CREDITS
(Fade in to Edgell and Chris sitting at a table, reading newspaper, drinking coffee, straight thuggin.)
Edgell: (Looking up from newspaper) You know what this story about the pope killing a man at Wrestlemania reminds me of?
Chris: (Looking up) What?
Edgell: It’s been four months since the ….. incident
Chris: What incident?
Edgell: You know…… with….. the Kodiak bear
Chris: Don’t talk about that fucking Kodiak bear
(Flashback to Chris walking down a street. The Kodiak bear is walking down the street in the opposite direction. He bumps into Chris, and apologizes. Chris continues to walk away, while the bear turns around, reveals that he pickpocketed a $20, and mocks and gives the finger to Chris. Chris realizes the money is gone and turns around.)
Chris: Fuck you, Kodiak bear!
(Fade back to Edgell and Chris at table)
Edgell: and you know….. he killed our family
Chris: Fucking Kodiak bear
Edgell: I only wish there was a way to get revenge on such a crafty animal
Chris: Well, there once was a myth that talked of a man who may possibly know the key to defeating the Kodiak bear. One they call Danger Boy.
Edgell: Then what are we waiting for?
(Both Chris and Edgell throw their coffee and newspapers to the side and walk away. Fade out. Edgell and Chris find Danger Boy at a bar. Several empty glasses are in front of Danger Boy)
Chris: Excuse me, but are you the one they call ….. Danger Boy?
Danger Boy: There was a time when I was known by that name
Edgell: We need your help. We hear you know the secret to defeating the Kodiak …..
Danger Boy (interrupting): I don’t want to talk about the fucking Kodiak bear! He took my friends away from me. Because of him I’ve turned into the drunkard you see before you, having to sell my body just to get by.
Chris: But we need you to train us….. train us to fight him!
Danger Boy: I couldn’t train an ox to fight Jimmy Carter. I’m useless. Leave me to my life of misery. Barkeep, get me another drink.
Barkeep: Okay, but it’s going to cost ya (Barkeep gives creepy wink to Danger Boy)
Edgell: There’s … (counts random change in hand) $4.63 in it for you.
Danger Boy: Deal. I’ve done a lot more for a lot less.
Edgell: That’s fucking gross.
(Danger Boy, Edgell and Chris exit the bar. Fade out. Next scene is at bear training headquarters.)
Danger Boy: So are you ready to push your selves to the limit?
Chris and Edgell: Yeah! (Jump in the air and high five)
Danger Boy: Well, were short on time and we need to improve greatly if you want to stand a chance at beating the Kodiak bear. So were gonna need two things: Steroids….and a montage
(Chris and Edgell go through montage process. Scenes show them boxing, lifting weights, running, and studying with books. Hilarity ensues. One scene shows Edgell and Chris sitting at desks, with a chalkboard that says “Kodiak Bear” on it in front of them. Danger Boy points to the chalkboard with a meter stick, and Edgell and Chris act like they just had a revelation. When montage music ends, last seen should be them finishing their training, giving each other thumbs up. Fade out. When camera fades back in, Danger Boy, Edgell and Chris are on the bridge, walking towards the final showdown. Pump-up music plays. They stop at the end of the bridge.)
Danger Boy: There’s the Kodiak bear. (He points off into the distance. Camera shows Kodiak bear standing in a field. Danger Boy, Edgell and Chris approach bear and get ready to fight.)
Danger Boy: Stop. I have to face the Kodiak bear on my own. In honor of my friends. To regain my manhood! (Danger Boy walks towards the Kodiak bear and prepares to fight. Kodiak bear goes up to Danger Boy and mauls him. Chris and Edgell have close-ups on them, showing them with shocked faces)
Edgell: I guess it’s time to put our training to the test
Chris:’ Let’s Go!
(Edgell and Chris’ stunt doubles run up to the Kodiak bear’s stunt double and start to fight him hand to hand. There are lots of back flips and fancy kicks and shit. It is blatantly obvious that these are stunt doubles and not the same people. They can’t seem to get the upper hand against the Kodiak Bear (‘s stunt double). )
Edgell: This is useless. No training could have gotten us ready for this.
Chris: I think it’s time to go to Plan B.
Edgell: Yes….B.
(Chris and Edgell both pull out handguns. They proceed to shoot the Kodiak bear multiple times. The Kodiak bear falls down. Edgell and Chris walk up to the Kodiak bear’s body. Chris shoots the Kodiak bear once more in the head. Gotta have that double-tap.)
Edgell: I feel bad. He was just trying to find his way in this mixed up world, and we killed him for it. We're no better than him.
Chris: Don’t say that. The Kodiak bear went too far. Sure killing a couple of illegal immigrants might not be a big deal, but he killed 5 too many.
Edgell: You’re right. Let’s go get hammered.
Chris: Sweet! I love getting hammered! Only thing better is getting nailed…..by girls…..HEYO!
(Chris and Edgell high five after that awesome joke. Camera fades out. A text screen explains that they became heroes, which would eventually stop world war 3 by killing Robo-Hitler. It also explains that they would both eventually die of anal herpes)
THE END? (Hint: It's not)
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