Kodiak Bear 2: The Rise of Robo-Hitler
(Open scene to graveyard, funeral in process. Pan over gravestone that reads Shayne “Danger Boy” Coutinho: Son, Father, Bear Victim)
Priest: We are here today to honor the life of one Shayne “Danger Boy” Coutinho. He was admired by his peers, loved by his family, and until the Kodiak Bear viciously tore off his face he was known as a ... (Phone rings, priest picks up) Hello? Yeah? No fucking way! And they’re down? I’m so fucking there (hangs up phone)… uh, sorry I gotta go. Twins guys, twins. I’m out.
Edgell: Well, I think we all would have done the same thing.
(Crowd murmurs approvingly)
Chris: So….. after-party at the titty bar?
Edgell: (gesturing to grave) I don’t think he’d have it any other way
ROLL OPENING CREDITS
(Open to messy apartment, liquor bottles, clothes, random garbage all over the place. Stop at Chris passed out on couch)
Chris: (waking up) Urgh…..what the fuck happened last night? I feel like Satan stole my soul, raped the shit out of it, and then shoved my soul back into me through my face.
Edgell: (appearing from behind couch, groggy) I kind of remember kicking a nun in the box
Chris: Really?
Edgell: Yeah I think so
Chris: (Thinks about kicking a nun in the vagina) That’s pretty cool
(Doorbell rings)
Chris: Who the fuck rings the doorbell at (checks watch) 3PM?
Edgell: I’ll get it…maybe it’s pizza we forgot we ordered.
(Edgell walks over to door and opens it. Lt. Kickass is there)
Lt. Kickass: Men, my name is Lt. Kickass. I don’t mean to catch you hung over, but the world needs your help
Edgell: With what? (Chris walks up and joins Edgell at door)
Lt. Kickass: First, You won’t believe it. Hitler is back and he’s trying to take over the world!
Chris: But how can Hitler be back?
Lt. Kickass: He’s in robot form now……that’s right……we’re talking about Robo-Hitler
Edgell: But sir, this doesn’t make any sense….like robot form, is he a robot that thinks he’s Hitler or does Hitler’s brain control the robot or … from a scientific standpoint it just doesn’t make any…
Lt. Kickass: (Interrupting) Sir, kindly shut the fuck up with your logic. We need to go down to the army base right away for a full briefing.
Edgell and Chris: Fuck it. Let’s go
(Chris, Edgell, and Lt. Kickass all enter army base. There’s computers all over the walls and people manning little radar booths and shit. You’ve seen a military base in a movie before, imagine that)
Lt. Kickass: As you can see we’ve been working round the clock here to try and stop Robo-Hitler
Chris: So what has Robo-Hitler done so far?
Lt. Kickass: He’s done everything from loitering to parking in handicap spaces and there’s no telling what he’s going to do next
Edgell: That really doesn’t sound so bad….
Lt. Kickass: (In a noticeably enraged tone) Doesn’t sounds so bad does it? Imagine if he was loitering outside your apartment, looking all suspicious, waiting for ….something, anything! For all we know he’s waiting there to knifefuck your face! And the face of everyone you love! Does that sound good to you? Huh? Huh?
Edgell: (crying) No…..it’s awful….so awful
Army Guy: Lieutenant! Robo-Hitler just refused to give up his seat on the bus to an elderly man
Lt. Kickass: Does his evil know no bounds?
Chris: What can we do to help?
Lt. Kickass: I fear on your own there’s not much you can do, but I think we have someone who can help you take Robo-Hitler down. I believe you two have a history with him. But before we go, Edgell, I hear you totally kicked a nun in the box. That’s totally awesome. (Fist bump between Lt. Kickass and Edgell). Now, follow me.
(Lt. Kickass leads Chris and Edgell into a room with a large cryo-chamber in the middle. Steam is blowing all over the tank, masking who is inside.)
Lt. Kickass: Let me introduce you to your new partner.
(Shot of the chamber. Steam stops and chamber opens to reveal the Kodiak Bear)
Chris and Edgell: Kodiak Bear!
Kodiak Bear: (growls)
Lt. Kickass: Now, I know you have had your problems in the past…
Edgell: How is he even alive? We shot him! It doesn’t make sense….
Lt. Kickass: We re-built him. We have the technology
Edgell: But he killed our friends, our family, our…
Chris: (interrupting) That cocksucker stole my twenty!
Lt. Kickass: Get over it. You would have spent that money on Cheetos and bourbon. Like you always do.
Kodiak Bear: (growls in agreement)
Chris: If you know a better way to spend a Tuesday afternoon, then by all means tell me.
Lt. Kickass: So it’s settled then, you’re going to have to work with the Kodiak Bear to stop Robo-Hitler, for the sake of HUMAN KIND.
(Flash to city streets. Robo-Hitler appears)
Robo-Hitler: (In an extremely effeminate voice) Hmmmm…..what evil act should I commit next? Ive got it!
(Robo-Hitler runs into a nearby supermarket. A large display of soup cans is just being finished; Robo Hitler runs up and takes a can from the bottom, causing the entire display to fall down.)
Robo-Hitler: Hahahaha! All bow to the evil that is Robo-Hitler! Hahahaha (runs out of store)
Store employee: (walking up to display) What an asshat.
(Cut back to military base)
Lt. Kickass: Now, I know you boys have had training before, but you’ve never had army training. Especially you Kodiak Bear. I’m pretty sure you’ve never had any training before
Kodiak Bear: (growls in disagreement, shows picture of bear training karate with Jackie Chan)
Lt. Kickass: Well, I stand corrected. Anyhow, you still haven’t had army training, and to beat Robo Hitler, you’re going to need it
Edgell: Well, no time like the present to get going. So, who’s going to inject these steroids into my ass?
(Kodiak Bear and Lt. Kickass put up their hand, and Chris looks on awkwardly. Montage starts of army training, which includes numerous high-fives, ass slaps, sweaty volleyball games and group showers. Tension is shown between Chris/Edgell and Kodiak Bear, but by the end they are friends)
Lt. Kickass: I think you guys are ready to take on Robo Hitler. Our intel has it that Robo Hitler has been spotted jaywalking and littering downtown.
Chris: It’s time to kick this bastard’s ass
(Edgell and Kodiak Bear nod approvingly. Cut to downtown. Chris, Edgell and Kodiak Bear are walking towards Robo Hitler’s location. They turn a corner to where Robo Hitler is supposed to be to see Robo-Hitler getting the absolute shit kicked out of him by two gang members. The gang members beat Robo-Hitler to death)
Edgell: Well, we can’t let these guys take credit for this
(Kodiak Bear nods and goes and mauls and kills both gang members. Chris and Edgell proceed to pick up the gang member’s bodies and toss them into a nearby dumpster)
Chris: Well, I think this has been a successful mission. Titty bar?
Kodiak Bear: (growls approvingly)
Edgell: Oh Kodiak Bear, you crack me up.
The End?
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