Karl's Top 7 - Favorite Rappers

It's time for the second Karl's Top 7, and this time were going to look at that guys that, in my opinion, spit the hottest fire. These aren't my favorite rappers currently working, and I had to leave a bunch guys off that I think are totally awesome (*cough* B.o.B. *cough*) but that just means that the ones that are here must be pretty dope. So, here's the list

7. Childish Gambino
Donald Glover, who plays Troy on Community (which I have already mentioned as being one of my favorite shows on TV), also raps under the name Childish Gambino, and as it turns out, he's pretty sick. Though he is yet to sign with a record label, he released his first album for free download last July, and has a few mixtapes out as well. His style is VERY similar to Lil Wayne, though not anywhere near as gangster. He spouts some of this best lines I've ever heard, whether it be "fresh to death like a mint cemetery" or "I can say anything, call me John Cusack". Unlike his role on Community though, Gambino is not a joke rapper, often stating it in his songs (like in Untouchable - "People saying I should make a funny rap like SNL did, If I don't take myself seriously who the fuck else will?"). His flow still needs time to develop, but Gambino is definitly one to watch for in the future.
Songs to check out - "Bitch Look At Me Now", "I Be On That", "Put It In My Video"

Vanilla Ice is a Master Thespian

As so clearly shown in the video below, Vanilla Ice is one of the most talented actors to ever grace the silver screen. How his film, Cold as Ice, in which he plays himself - the epitome of masculinity circa the summer of 1992- was snubbed by the Oscar committee is one of the greatest tragedies of the last 50 years. It should have won every category, with Ice himself picking up the Best Actor, Supporting Actor, Supporting Actress and Original Screenplay on his own. This film should be necessary viewing in schools, as it ultimately teaches you how to learn, how to love, and how to live. As magnificent as the clip below it is, it does not do the film justice, and I suggest everyone drop whatever they are doing and locate a copy of the movie immediately, and then watch it on repeat for the next four days.

Just kidding this movie sucks like a fucking vacuum. Funny as shit though.

Strikeforce Afterthoughts

I didn't make picks for the Strikeforce card because 1.) There was really on three fights to talk about (I have no interest in Herschal Walker fighting cans) and 2.) I forgot. I watched the fights though, and these are my impressions.

Roger Gracie vs Trevor Prangley - Gracie by rear-naked choke at the end of the 1st
This was a big win for Gracie. Prangley is a seasoned vet, and while certainly isn't the best fighter around, he's a good test for Roger Gracie at this point of his career. Gracie even showed some solid stand up in the fight, hitting Prangley with a few solid knees in the clinch. Gracie says he wants to fight more often, and after this fight he should take a step up in competition. Giving him a guy like Scott Smith (if he moves back from welterweight) or Matt Lindland could serve as a winnable fight while still being a step up, while Drew McFeddries or Phil Baroni could serve as a good test if Strikeforce wants to bring someone in. Frank Shamrock or Cung Le could be options if they want to put Gracie in a big money fight, but I don't think he has a enough name value to make those fights worthwhile.

Drinking Achievement List

After writing the Stoner Achievement List a few months ago, I started working on the Drinking Achievement List, the same deal as the previous one, but based around drinking. It ended up being far more difficult than I expected, but I have finally finished it. If you dont understand one of the games mentioned, leave a comment and I'll explain. Otherwise, enjoy the first big piece of original material I've done for the site.

Drinking Achievements – 50 – 1000G

He Shoots, He Scores – 10G
Play and win a game of beer pong

Bitches Blow – 10G
In a game of beer pong, blow a ball out of a cup

Classic Karl - Kodiak Bear 2: The Rise of Robo-Hitler

Kodiak Bear 2: The Rise of Robo-Hitler

(Open scene to graveyard, funeral in process. Pan over gravestone that reads Shayne “Danger Boy” Coutinho: Son, Father, Bear Victim)

Priest: We are here today to honor the life of one Shayne “Danger Boy” Coutinho. He was admired by his peers, loved by his family, and until the Kodiak Bear viciously tore off his face he was known as a ... (Phone rings, priest picks up) Hello? Yeah? No fucking way! And they’re down? I’m so fucking there (hangs up phone)… uh, sorry I gotta go. Twins guys, twins. I’m out.

Edgell: Well, I think we all would have done the same thing.

(Crowd murmurs approvingly)

Chris: So….. after-party at the titty bar?

Edgell: (gesturing to grave) I don’t think he’d have it any other way

ROLL OPENING CREDITS

How a Man Makes a Sandwich

Everyone knows that the sandwich is one of the greatest inventions of all time. Endless combinations are possible, and all of them are delicious. Whether were talking cheeseburgers or sub sandwiches or classic PB&J, we're talking about something that makes taste buds happy. Finally, this champ has made a video on how to make a turkey sandwich like a real man. Best part of the video? His calm demeanor at the end, as if what happened is completely ordinary for someone as badass as he clearly is.



For the LU folks, I think the guy in the video looks like Adam Hayden - in which case he is clearly one of the baddest mofos I know.

Karl's Top 7 - Shows on TV

This is the first entry in Karl's Top 7, listing the top seven in any and all categories. I'm starting with my seven favorite shows that are currently on TV, listed from seventh place to first.

 7. How I Met Your Mother
Barney Stinson is the definition of legen- wait for it, and I hope you're not lactose intolerant-dary. The show manages to be consistently funny without requiring that you watch every episode. Great show for watching hungover.

I Have Learned How to Embed Videos, I am a God Amongst Men

I have learned how to embed videos, and I figure that this pretty much sums up all my interests into one video. Enjoy.

Classic Karl - The Kodiak Bear Movie

I figured I would bring back one of the classics for everyone. I've edited it once again, and I think this is the best version yet. I'll edit and post the second one soon.

Kodiak Bear

Characters

Danger Boy

Chris

Edgell

Kodiak bear

Doug

Fred

Barkeep

Script

(Movie starts with Danger Boy and two friends walking near forest)

Danger Boy: Man that sure was a great trip to the ol’ sugar mill

Friend 1(Doug): Totally Danger Boy, who thought that learning about the magic of candy could be so much fun?

Friend 2(Fred): It truly was one of the greatest adventures the world has ever seen. Ever.

Danger Boy: Agreed. Wanna cut through this forest?

Fred: Golly, I don’t know Danger Boy, I heard there’s a Kodiak bear roaming the forest, killing and violating all those that cross him.

Danger Boy: Oh Freddy, I’m not afraid of any Klondike bar

(Characters enter forest, switch to camera from a distance, behind them, inside forest. Flashing light on screen says BEAR VISION.)

Danger Boy: So I said “Officer, that’s not a pineapple, that’s my wife!”

(Laughter by all, milk comes out of Doug’s nose from laughing so much)

Doug: Oh Danger Boy, you’re just about the funniest guy this side of the Mississippi!

(Camera starts to creep up behind them, playing ominous music. Fred turns around to see that the bear (camera) is behind them)

Fred: Holy shit! It’s a fucking bear!

Danger Boy: SCATTER!

(The three people try to run away. Camera runs towards them, still saying BEAR VISION, as they scream and die. Danger Boy manages to escape. Camera heads off in other direction, to show the Kodiak bear leaving. Camera fades out, and then fades back, without BEAR VISION, to see the wreckage that the bear had caused. Danger Boy runs out from his hiding spot to his friend’s bodies)

Danger Boy: (Runs over to Fred’s body) Freddie! Freddie! What have they done to your beautiful body! (Runs over to Doug’s body).Doug! My sparkling star! My kindred spirit! (Pause) NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!(Yells at the heavens, and then falls down in tears. Fade out to opening credits)

OPENING CREDITS

Upcoming Attractions

I am trying to work on some more original content, and I have two projects on deck. They are

The Drinking Achievement List

and

Kodiak Bear 3: The Diabolical Plot of Mecha-Stalin and the Communist Zombie Horde

I also plan on updating the first two Kodiak Bear movies, as well as working on some top ten lists (cause everybody loves lists), along with learning how to embed pictures and shit into my posts. I dream of a day when you can click on a link in my posts instead of using copy and paste. One day, I hope that dream becomes a reality. At the same time though, that sounds like work and fuck doing work.

Classic Karl - Stoner Achievement List

While I work on some original content, I figured I'd post some old stuff that I've done. Works just like an xbox game, add it up and find out what your score is.

Stoner Achievement List – 1200G –60 Achievements

That First Little Toke – 5G

Take your first trip with Mary Jane

New Best Friend – 5G

Purchase your first piece of paraphernalia

Armchair Matchmaker - Ultimate Fight Night 23

After every UFC event, I'll write an article on the match ups I think should be made for each fighter. We know Mark Hominick is going to be fighting Jose Aldo, so I won't make a pick for him

Cut List
Amilcar Alves, Will Campunazo, Mike Guymon,  and Tim Hague haven't shown that they can fight at the UFC level, and Mike Brown needs to go out and get a few wins before he comes back to the featherweight division.

Matchups to Make

Pat Barry vs Matt Mitrione
They hinted at the fight during the show, and it's one that makes sense: Barry is a logical step up in competition for Mitrione, and Barry needs to show some consistency in order to become a real contender. This would be a real close fight, and one that I would want to see.

Inspiring

"Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life"
 - Michelle Mastrolacasa

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."- Stephen Wright


"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind."
- Humphrey Bogart

Truly inspiring words to live by

Hey Check This Out!

I figured I'd post a few more cool links for you guys to check out, cause that's just the type of guy I am.

How to drink like a man

Mitch Hedberg Quotes - Cause the guy is fucking hilarious

If you don't know about The Chive, then shame on you

Hope you guys enjoy 'em, I'll try to post some more original content later

Cool Shit

I hear you might like cool shit, so hears a link for you to check out.

TMTF

This is my buddy Ty's website, I think he's a pretty sick artist, and obviously my opinion on art is highly regarded by most art experts.

Karl's Picks - UFC Fight Night 23

Most people know me know that I'm a pretty big sports fan, in particular with MMA and the UFC. I have decided to regularly post my predictions for UFC events, and may expand this into other sports later (NHL Playoffs perhaps?). Anyways, these are my picks for the fights this Saturday

Chris Cariaso (10-2) vs Will Campuzano (8-3)
I don't know a whole lot about either of these guys. Cariaso is making his UFC debut after splitting his two fights in the WEC, where he decisioned Rafael Rebello and was choked out by Renan do Nascimento Mota Pegado (This guy needs to shorten his fuckin name). Campuzano got subbed with some sort of crazy leg-choke-thing by Nick Pace in his UFC debut, and went 1-2 in the WEC before that. I remember seeing Campuzano get tooled by Eddie Wineland back in the WEC, and he was subbed in the first in his last outing. I really don't know enough about either guys to make an opinion, but I'm gonna go with Cariaso via decision.

I wrote way more than I needed to on that last one

Amilcar Alves (11-2) vs Charlie Brenneman (12-2)
We have two guys at the bottom of the welterweight ladder duking it out to see who gets to stay in the UFC. Charlie Brenneman is 1-1 in the UFC and is coming off a TKO loss to Johnny Hendricks. Amilcar Alves is 0-1 in the UFC after losing via armbar to Mike Peirce. Brenneman has faced a slightly higher level in competition than Alves, and I see him winning a unanimous decision

Willamy Friere (18-3) vs Waylon Lowe (9-3)
Friere is a lightweight prospect coming in to the UFC with a small amount of fanfare. He is currently riding an 11 fight win streak in which eight of his opponents were finished. Lowe somehow seems to have a win in the UFC over Steve Lopez (who?) after getting kneed hard by Melvin Guillard in his first UFC fight. This should be an easy win for Friere, and a nice paycheck for Lowe before he goes back to the regional circuit

Mike Thomas Brown (24-7) vs Rani Yahya (15-6)
Why they aren't showing this fight is well beyond me. Both these guys are veterans of the sport. Brown is the former WEC featherweight champ who holds wins over Urijah Faber (twice), Leonard Garcia, Jeff Curran, Yves Edwards, and Mark Hominick, though he has lost three of his last five fights (though to tough competiton - Jose Aldo, Manny Gamburyan and most recently Diego Nunes). Rani Yahya is moving back up to featherweight from bantamweight after dropping two straight fights. I think Brown will come out hungry for the win, and will be smart enough to stay away from Yahya's ground game, outstriking him until he is able to knock him out.

Mike Guymon (12-4-1) vs DeMarques Johnson (11-8)
Here are two low level welterweights looking to put on an entertaining scrap. Guymon is 1-2 in the UFC with two submission losses to prospects Rory Macdonald and Daniel Roberts around a decision win over Yoshiyuki Yoshida. Johnson, the runner up from the horrible UK vs US season of the Ultimate Fighter is 2-2 in the UFC, holding wins over Edgar Garcia and Brad Blackburn while losing to James Wilks and Matt Riddle. Straight up, I will never pick DeMarques Johnson in a UFC-caliber fight. Every fight I've seen of his so far involved him getting his ass beat, and then either pulling out a stoppage or getting stopped himself. Guymon hasn't looked great, but his win over Yoshida shows me he has some talent. I'm picking Guymon by decision, though I definitely think that he can stop Johnson either with strikes or submission.

Yves Edwards (39-16-1) vs Cody McKenzie (12-0)
Edwards is a real veteran of the sport, with 56 fights under his name and notable wins over Derrick Noble, Hermes Franca, Josh Thomson and James Warfield. He is 1-0 in his current UFC stint and 6-4 overall. McKenzie was a cast member on the most recent season of the Ultimate Fighter and is 12-0 with 10 wins via his trademark guillotine choke. I'll sum this fight up pretty fast - either McKenzie will win by Guillotine choke in less than two minutes, or Edwards will win. I think Edwards is smart enough to avoid the guillotine and TKO McKenzie in the second.

Cole Miller (17-4) vs Matt Wiman (12-5)
Miller and Wiman are both alumni of the fifth season of the Ultimate Fighter, and neither have moved past the stage of gatekeeper yet. Miller has a great ground game and has shown improved stand up in his recent fights. He is 6-2 in the UFC and has back to back submission wins over Joe Lauzon and Ross Pearson. Matt Wiman is 6-3 in the UFC, and has back to back wins over Shane Nelson and a sketchy submission win over Mac Danzig. Miller has faced the tougher competition and a win here could push him into a much bigger fight in the lightweight title picture. I'm picking Miller to submit Wiman in the second round, and move into contender status.

Mark Hominick (19-8) vs George Roop (11-6-1)
Hominick is one of the top guys coming into the UFC from the WEC, and knocked out three straight wins in the WEC before it folded in, beating Leonard Garcia, Yvas Jabouin and Brian Caraway. George Roop is a Ultimate Fighter alumni that is coming off a knockout victory over the Korean Zombie Chan Sung Jung. Dana White has already stated that if Mark Hominick beats Roop on Saturday that he will get the next shot at Jose Aldo in Toronto. Both these guys are known for being very exciting, but I don't think Roop offers anything that Hominick can't get past. I see Hominick finishing Roop in the first two rounds, and securing his title shot against Aldo.

Pat Barry (5-2) vs Joey Beltran (12-4)
Barry is one of the best kickboxers in the heavyweight division, though he still has tons of questions regarding his ground game and his conditioning. Barry is 2-2 in the UFC and his coming off a high profile submission lost to Mirko Cro Cop. Joey Beltran is one of the bottom teir heavyweights in the division, and has gone 2-1 so far in the UFC, most recently losing to Matt Mitrione by decision. If Beltran can take Barry down and control him, he could very well win this fight. If Barry can keep it standing, even for a short time, he has a good chance of turning Beltran's lights off. I'm picking Barry by KO/TKO in the first, hitting Beltran as he tries to close in for a takedown.

Matt Mitrione (3-0) vs Tim Hague (12-4)
Mitrione was a cast member on the awful heavyweight season of the Ultimate Fighter, and seems to be getting a fairly considerable push from the UFC. He is 3-0, with all of his fights in the UFC, and holds  KO wins over ex-NFLer (and fellow TUF alum) Marcus Jones and internet sensation Kimbo Slice, and most recently bested Joey Beltran by unanimous decision. Tim Hague is 1-3 in the UFC, with a submission win over Pat Barry, but losses to Joey Beltran, Chris Tuchscherer, and most notably the official quickest KO loss in UFC history (a seven second KO loss to Todd Duffee). I really don't understand why the UFC keeps pushing Mitrione, as he hasn't shown that much skill, but he should be able to defeat Tim Hague. I'm picking Mitrione to show a little bit more development on route to a unanimous decision win.

Melvin Guillard (26-8-2) vs Evan Dunham (11-1)
 Guillard has been fighting in the UFC for almost five years now, compiling a 8-4 record in the UFC, and is currently on a three fight win streak over Ronnys Torres, Waylon Lowe and Jeremy Stephens. He also holds UFC wins over Marcus Davis, Dennis Siver and Glieson Tibau. Dunham is one of the top prospects in the lightweight division, holding wins over Marcus Auerilio, Efrain Escudero and Tyson Griffin, and most recently a very questionable decision loss to former champ Sean Sherk. Guillard isn't the same explosive (and reckless) fighter that he used to be, and his move to Team Jackson has made him a smarter fighter, though I feel a less interesting one. I thought Dunham beat Sherk, and I can't see Guillard being a tougher test than him. Dunham should be able to win this fight, either by dominant decision or a late submission.

Woo First Post

Woo first post!
I have no idea how often I will end up updating this, but hopefully I will manage to post at least every once in a while. I'll post about whatever comes to me, cause this is my blog goddammit and I'll do as I please.

Now, so reading this wasn't a complete waste of your time, here is a clip to watch. WARNING: The following clip is dangerously hilarious, look away if you are pregnant or have any preexisting heart conditions



EDIT - I doubt anybody will actually come back to this post, but the video is now embedded. And yes, I am that awesome.